Just Call Me The Yellow Pages

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Phone rings.

Me: US Marshals Service

He: Ah! Thank God I got a person. It’s so hard to get to a person in your district.

Me: *on alert that this dude doesn’t really want to talk to me, but anybody* How can I help you?

He: *identifies district from which he is calling* I’m calling about a warrant out of our district ... yadda, yadda, yadda *he proceeds with information that I can’t do anything about because he needs to really be talking to the warrants section*

Me: You need to talk to our warrants clerk. She works later hours, but should be in soon. You can leave her a voice mail and she’ll take care of it.

He: *heavy, annoyed sigh* Is that *name withheld*?

Me: Yes, she works later hours now.

He: *another heavy, annoyed sigh* I’ll email her. Thanks. *click*

Why didn’t he email her in the first place? Gah!

Friday, January 04, 2008

It’s a slow day in the office, otherwise I would not have spent as much time with the lady I just talked to about her friend’s incarcerated loved one.

I referred her to the guy’s lawyer. She said he doesn’t have one. I said, I bet he does and gave her the number to call to find out.

After I explained that we only give prisoner info to the lawyer and arresting law enforcement agency she then asked if she called from her place of work would I answer her questions - she works for a Congress person. I laughed and said, “No, Congress is not the arresting agency.”

Ever persistent, she started to tell me the sob story of this guy again. “I don’t need your story. It won’t change my answer - we do not give prisoner information to anyone except the lawyer and law enforcement.”

Then she asked if he could make phone calls. Yep, anytime he wants, all he has to do is ask. Then why hasn’t he called his family? I have no idea.

Then came the best question yet, “Well can you ask him to call his family?”

“Listen, I understand this is frustrating for you and his family. No, we will not ask him to call you. If we did that every time we were asked by loved ones, that’s all we would be doing.”

She sighed, thanked me, and started to tell me about his family.

I sighed and said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t spend anymore time with you on this.”

With that she thanked me again and hung up.

Sheesh.

[UPDATE 2:50pm]: She has called back twice. The first time to inform me that he does not have any charged pending or a lawyer. She then asked for me to look up the phone number for ICE since they were the arresting agency. So now I’m the Yellow Pages.

Then she just called back again to tell me that no one answered the phone at ICE (not surprising on this Friday - easily 1/3 of the federal workforce is taking leave this week because of Use-or-Lose) and could she ask me a few more questions. She proceeded to ask me questions that really should be directed at ICE, which I explained to her.

She’s a nice lady trying to help some friends. But she doesn’t listen very well.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Phone Rings

ME: US Marshals Service

NW (aka Nitwit): Um…I’m like trying to find out…do y’all do background checks?

ME: Not for private citizens.

NW: Um…like, I’m trying to…I need to know if there’s anything…. Who does background checks if I’m buying a gun?

ME: Try contacting the local police or sheriff’s office.

NW: Oh, OK. *pause*  Hey, you sound sexy. Are you married?

ME: *trying not to laugh and also repulsed* Sir, I am married and this is very inappropriate. I’m hanging up.

NW: Thank you. *quick hang up*

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I’m not Catholic and I don’t buy into the Catholic patron saint thing (I believe that anyone who is a disciple of Christ can be called a saint, as Paul used the term, but that’s a post for another day), but I’ve just taken two phone calls from senior citizens who were dumbfounded by phone menus they encountered. Poor fellas.

The first was trying to contact the IRS about a problem. I managed to find the phone number to a local office, although who knows what kind of help he’ll get there.

The second was trying to contact the local police about a traffic ticket he got. The phone number on the ticket went to a recording about court and never listed any buttons to push to talk to a person. I told him to try calling 411 to find the phone number for the police or sheriff. Bless his heart, he had never heard of 411.

Both admonished me to not get old because it stinks. Shame, that.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I was checking my voicemail this morning upon my arrival at work. I had three messages waiting. One was a hang up - I get more hang up voicemails that I do actual messages. The second was someone looking for the Chief, who is on vacation. The third was a 2 minute “message” that consisted entirely of someone’s hold music.

Of course, I had to listen to the entire two minutes just in case the person who called did ever leave a real message. The “message” ended with nothing but the music, so it got deleted.

Why would you put voicemail on hold?

[BONUS PHONE STUFF]: I should have remembered to add that I’ve gotten two phone calls from people trying to locate a prisoner loved one. I can only assume that both people were looking for the same person (I never asked for the prisoner name, since it’s pointless - we give out no information) because they called within minutes of each other and both complained that this loved one needs medication.

I sympathize, but I can’t give out information. All I can do is refer them to the attorney.

I’m waiting to see if a 3rd family member or friend calls to try to get past me, too.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

I’ve been trying to access the network for about 30 minutes now with no success. At least it’s completely on Them, so I’m not going to stress about it and just keep trying.

*sigh*

In other news, my voice mail contained a message from a guy asking about what he needs to do to be able to get married this week. Seriously, I cannot tell you how many of these kinds of calls we get.

*sigh*

[9:40am]: Still not logged into the network. I wonder if I’ll ever get in today.

[11:40 am]: Still not in. I called our help desk and there’s no explanation for why I cannot get access. My cable is working fine. The laptop pings the server. I just cannot get logged in.

I have showered and am leaving for the office. I don’t know what I’d do if this was a day that Beau was not home to take care of Jesse. I guess I’d have to haul him to the office with me. That’ll make the bosses happy, no?

I’m pretty pissed off right about now.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

We don’t perform marriages. We don’t supply marriage licenses. We have nothing to do with weddings, births, divorces, or deaths. Except for the occasional murder trial, but that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Also, when you call a federal agency and the person who works for said federal agency tells you that you’ve got the wrong agency and actually refers you to a specific other agency, please do not argue with that person and insist that you do have the right agency. The federal employee knows better than you do with whom you should speak about your issue.

Thank you.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I just got off the phone with a guy that wanted information about auto auctions. I gave him the phone number to the auction house that handles our auctions. While I recited the number, he input the number into his cell phone. I got to enjoy the ear piercing beeps of each number as he pressed the buttons on his phone.

Is it me or is that not rude?

I understand the convenience of being able to do that, but it doesn’t mean it’s right to do it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Phone rings. I pick up the handset to answer the call.

ME: US Marshals Service.

HIM: Hi, this is so and so from the Clerk’s office. Do you know what county Nelly’s Ford is in?

ME: No.

HIM: *pause* Is [the Assistant Chief] there?

ME: No, she is at a suboffice today. *I’m thinking to myself that there is no way I’m passing this idiotic call on to her even if she was in the office today.*

HIM: Is [names the Asset Forfeiture person] there?

ME: Yes, but I doubt she knows off hand where that town is located. Do you have internet access?

HIM: Yes.

ME: Then I recommend that you get online and do the research. It’s what I do when I get process with an address that I’m unsure about.

HIM: *silence for several seconds, maybe about 10 which doesn’t sound like a lot until you’re listening to it* OK.

I will help people to a point. When it becomes me doing their busywork for them, then I refuse. The time he took to make that ridiculous phone call he could have spent looking it up himself. And I know for darned sure that the A-Chief would have told him the same thing.

LATER: Just for giggles, I Googled it. And I got this result. It took less than 30 seconds. Sheesh.

I then Googled Nelson County, VA and got this Virginia county map. Looks like that town is in the Western District of Virginia, which means it’s not our jurisdiction.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I think I’ll start a new category under the It’s Not Like The Fugitive™ category - Questions from the Public.

Today’s installment ...

DUDE ON THE PHONE: Hi, I’m filling out *blah, blah, blah* for school and I need to fill in the state of residence. I just moved here to Virginia so I’m wondering if I put Virginia or the state I came from.

ME: You’re filling out what?

DUDE: For financial aid at school ...

ME: Why are you calling the US Marshals Service?

DUDE: I called someone and they said to call the courthouse ...

ME: You’ve called a federal courthouse. You should try the county government. What county are you in?

From there I directed him to the Fairfax County Government.

What I’m wondering is who he called that told him to call a courthouse - wouldn’t the financial aid people at the school be able to answer the question of residence?

Also, he was yelling into his cell phone and I could barely understand him even after I turned down the volume on my phone. *sigh*

With that, I’m outta here!

Monday, September 12, 2005

I get a lot of random questions from the public because we’re a courthouse and because 4-1-1 inexplicably gives our number as the main number for the building:

1. What is the procedure for getting a marriage license?

2. Do you do weddings? Funerals?

3. What do I need to do to file for a divorce?

4. Can I get a copy of my birth/marriage certificate?

5. Can I get a copy of a death certificate?

Today, I got a new one, from a visitor to the window:

6. Can I get my passport renewed?

The answer to all of these questions is - we don’t do that. Where you need to go for any of those things is to the county courthouse. Except for the passport thing, for that you can go to your local post office.

What we do here at the federal courthouse is probably nothing that you need to do in your legal life. Unless you have broken a federal law, you probably will never need to see the inside of a federal courthouse. Unless you are an immigrant who is being naturalized, then you will probably never need to see the inside of a federal courthouse. Most of the legal procedures the ordinary citizens experiences are at the local level - so check with your county courts first.

Consider this your PSA for the day.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Phone rings. I pick up ...

ME: US Marshals Service.

HIM: I’m looking for a number for the federal government.

ME: Which agency, sir?

HIM: The federal government.

He then went on to explain that he’s being exploited in a child support case or something like that.

ME: Sir, our agency doesn’t handle child support cases. You need to call your local authorities first.

HIM: I was told that it was a federal matter, so I need a phone number for the federal government.

*SIGH*

ME: There is no such number, sir. You need to figure out which agency handles that and look for a number for that agency.

HIM: Oh.

It was really tempting to put him on hold and find a number to a Senate democrat, but I resisted.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I started a long complaining post about how way too many of our callers don’t use the automated menu, but rather hit the button to get to the “operator” (me). Most times, if the caller had actually listened to the menu, then they would have known to hit the button for the “criminal section.” (These callers are equally prisoner loved ones and lawyers.)

I understand that automated phone menus are impersonal, but they do serve a function and can actually save the callers and answerers a lot of wasted time. So I implore you, please listen to the menu you get when you call a business. If you really can’t figure out which button to push, then go to the operator. But really listen, because even the least user-friendly menus will have a better option than the operator and it will save in productivity for the business.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

But a lot of people think that I have ready access to all manner of phone numbers. Tony’s QotD reminded me of a call I received this morning.

ME: US Marshals Service.

LADY: I’m wondering if you can help me.

*This opening statement always makes me wary. Always. Because it usually means that I can’t.*

ME: What’s your question?

LADY: I’m trying to find a phone number.

*I sigh*

ME: A phone number for what?

LADY: I’m looking for the number for the United States ...

*And there follows a very long pause on her part. I let it go for several seconds, waiting for her to complete the thought.*

ME: The United States what, ma’am?

LADY: The United States ... Post Office.

*You’ve got to be kidding me.*

ME: Ma’am, are you looking for their headquarters office or a local office in your town?

LADY: Yes.

*Help me, Lord.*

ME:  You’re looking for the local post office?

LADY: Yes.

ME: Ma’am, you need to call Information to get the number. Dial 4-1-1 and tell them you’re looking for the phone number of the post office.

*I can’t believe I’m telling an adult how to do this. How can an adult not know how to do this? And no, she’s not from a foreign country with a language problem. Astounding.*

LADY: I call who? What’s that number?

*sigh - I repeated the information*

LADY: And they’ll have the number?

ME: Yes, ma’am.

There was a point in the conversation where I started listening to her harder, thinking she may be Kirby pulling a prank, but she was legit. Unbelievable.

I reminds me that I have a post in the works (in my head) about intellectual laziness vs. critical thinking. Must write that up post haste.