All By Myself

Sunday, October 09, 2005

At the women’s conference at my church yesterday, I went to a workshop that focused on singleness. When we started brainstorming ideas for break out sessions, I brought up the topic of contentment in being single. (We ended up with two sessions out of that idea - one on contentment in general and one on singleness.) Initially, I was to co-lead the session with another single gal on our committee, but then I got engaged and life got crazy and I felt that I needed to not take on that role, so the other gal led the session by herself and quite ably. She brought great Biblical truth to the women who chose her workshop, although some of the things she said may have been hard to hear. The attendees were a mix of divorced and never been married singles, but the truths discussed are true regardless of how you’re single.

I thought I’d share a few of the things we talked about - lies we are told about ourselves as singles and the corresponding truth from Scripture and reality.

Lie #1: God has someone out there for you. Women outnumber men in this world. The hard truth is that the statistics alone make this statement untrue. What singles need to face and come to grips with is that you may not get married. And that’s not a bad thing. Because God has a plan for your life and marriage may not be a part of it. He may choose for you to be freed from the responsibilities of marriage in order to be used in ministry. (Psalm 37 says “do not fret” three times.)

Lie #2: I must have done something wrong or missed God’s plan for my life to still be single. Singleness is not punishment. Singleness is not a problem. Marriage is not a right and nor is it a reward. None of us is guaranteed a thing in this life, marriage included. And God’s will is complicated. We don’t get flaming signs in the sky when God leads us to do anything. Often we have a hard time knowing if or when we’re in God’s will. Even if we do miss a step in His directions, He makes our paths straight and will get us back on track if we’re seeking after Him. But marriage is not a thing that God bestows on anyone for good behavior or simple obedience. (Matthew 19:11-12)

Lie #3: Married life is inherently better than single life. Not true. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? A successful marriage is hard work. The single life is actually pretty easy - you can do what you want when you want without worrying about anyone else’s opinion. Your stuff is your stuff. Your mistakes are your mistakes. But in marriage what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours and that includes any mistakes that are made. And you are constantly needing to put your desires behind your spouses - self-sacrifice is required. Neither is better than the other. They are just different. I know of as many lonely married people as lonely single people. Marriage cannot make you happy or complete you; only Christ can do this.

Lie #4: I am not loved. Really? What about your parents? Siblings? Friends? Have none of those folks in your life? I’m sorry. Then what about the God of the universe? He created you with infinite, ineffable, unconditional love. He loves you more than you imagine being loved. Do you let Him love you? 1 Corinthians 13 is one of the most popular wedding Scripture readings. Personalize your reading of it, remembering that God is LOVE. His love is the truest and purest and unfailing.

Lie #5: I cannot be content in my singleness. Then you are in sin because when you are wrapped up in your own selfishness then your eyes and heart are not on God. Contentment is a determination of the will. You have to actively seek contentment, it won’t just come to you. It is being OK with that which is not really OK. And don’t expect that contentment will come overnight. It’s a process that includes much prayer. Think of Jesus in the garden at Gethsemane. He was in distress at the thought of what was coming - his arrest, his show trial, his beatings, his death on the cross. But he sought contentment in prayer even as He asked his Father to remove the burden that he knew could not be removed. Contentment does not mean that the pain will be gone, but that you have reached a point where it is livable. But contentment is a whole topic of its own that I might tackle another time. (Psalm 73)

These are just a few of the lies we’re told or believe in our very couples oriented world. What singles need to remember is that your identity is not tied up in your marital status. I am not Jen The Single. I am Jen - believer in Jesus Christ, daughter, sister, goof, thinker, cook, whatever - and I happen to be single (for a couple more months anyway).

Monday, September 26, 2005

Absolutely, yes. I have said this many times myself.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I wanted to check with Beau before I posted this. He gave the green light.

It sort of started on Mother’s Day. The lunch conversation was about general things and then Mom asked Beau, “So, Beau, what’s your favorite kind of vacation destination?” Inwardly I was chuckling, thinking that she was angling for possible honeymoon ideas. Turns out I was not the only one wondering about that because later that afternoon he asked if that was what she was asking. And then ECD asked if that was what she was asking. I asked her about that on Sunday and Dad laughed and said he thought that was what she was asking, too. Hilarious. She insists it was not.

Then this past Sunday Mom, Dad, and I were at lunch and Dad and I are sitting in the booth while Mom is in the restroom.

DAD: So…is it serious?

ME: Yep, it’s serious.

And I thought that would be the extent of it. But no…

We’re eating a little later (this is a rough paraphrase of the general conversation - at this point most of the specifics are gone from my memory):

MOM: I was thinking that New Year’s Eve Eve would be a good date.

ME: A good date for what?

MOM: Your wedding.

*sigh*

ME: I’m not getting married in 2005.

DAD: But think about the tax break you guys would get for the year by getting married on December 30.

ME: I’m not getting married in 2005.

MOM: That’s a Friday and an evening wedding would be really nice. People would be able to come because of the Christmas holidays, but it wouldn’t interfere with Christmas or Mare-Bear’s wedding.

*See, Mare, Mom’s got your back!*

MOM: And Jaynee could wear the bridesmaid dress from Mare’s wedding.

ME: I’m not getting married in 2005.

That’s not to say that wedding details weren’t discussed. I’m a chick and I have had my dream wedding planned in my head for years, although the longer I remained single the dream became some distant fantasy. I said that a spring wedding would be nice. One of the things we talked about was the new church building - the pros and cons (the main con being the modernity of it and the color scheme of the carpet and wood and the layout of the auditorium). I kidded that maybe the bridesmaids dresses could be navy blue and Mom said, “And you could use white poinsettias.”

ME: Wait, you’re still on December?

To which my Dad belly laughed.

I am not planning to get married in 2005.

I have this horrible (and equally wonderful) feeling that I may just eat those words.

More below…

MUCH, MUCH LATER: Thanks to OTB, for the Jam-lanche. Thanks also to everyone who has commented so enthusiastically. We are overwhelmed with your well wishes.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Spent the day with Beau at his place yesterday. He had final papers to grade for his students before their final exams this week, so he worked on that while I read my book. It was a nice, quiet, restful (for me anyway) day. He’s a sweet guy and I’m blessed. He showed me photos from his childhood - he was a very cute little boy and I now have in my possession his 2nd grade (I think) picture. I may have to scan it and post it (with his permission, of course) along with my kindergarten picture - now that’s a cute couple!

If you haven’t read State of Fear by Michael Crichton yet, get a copy and read it. I’m a huge fan of Crichton and this one has made me chuckle several times with the snark from a couple of his characters. And I’ve enjoyed the solid debunking of the theory of global warming. There’s a good blend of interesting science, business, law, and action to keep you interested and happy. I’m going to try to finish it today after making significant progress yesterday.

Today was the last day my church will have worship in the old building. Next Sunday is our scheduled first Sunday in the new building. The only thing left is the final inspection, which is scheduled for Friday. That means that we can’t move anything in until Friday night and the plan is for that night and all day Saturday to get things in working order for Sunday. A huge task that will get done because we have great servants in our church. It also means that the rehearsals for the worship team may be moved, so I’m waiting to hear from our worship leader on that. Please be praying that the inspection goes well and that sufficient people show up to help get things moved and set up as needed. We anticipate having 1000 people for both services on Sunday.

And now, to my chair for some more reading.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Um, Beau, you may want to go visit my sister’s blog. She has some questions for you.

Apparently, my answers last weekend weren’t sufficient.

Sheesh.

So our families are bemused that he has no TV and I watch a lot of TV.

You read that right, he does not own a television. Wrap your minds around that!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I have nothing to say. Seems that I have tapped out all intelligent thoughts since the announcement that I have a beau. Heh. I lay the blame on my twitterpation. Little hearts and tweety birds are floating around my addled head as I type this. Really.

Thanks to all the well wishers. We both have enjoyed reading your comments. I’ve been told that his mother and sister had a two hour phone conversation about us. (Hi, yes, you’ve been mentioned on the blog!) I cannot even begin to imagine what, about us, could have filled a two hour phone conversation since they haven’t met me in real life. However, they both have read enough of my narcissistic ramblings here to have a pretty good feel for me, I suppose. I’m gratified that they seem to approve despite the blog.

I’ll be heading to the Cooties’ house on Saturday for the combination of CootieGirl‘s 2nd birthday-CootieBoy‘s baby dedication at church-Denis’ birthday that all fortuitously falls on the same weekend. My parents are on vacation in central PA at the moment. I will fly up, they will pick me up at the airport, and then I’ll hitch a ride home with them on Monday. So I’m gearing up for some razzing from Denis, who can be counted on to ask the questions to which everyone else wants the answers. He got a good start in the comments the other day. So let me get in an advance with the non-answers:

1. It’s nunya bidness.

2. We’re taking things one day at a time.

3. See #1.

And so on.

Be assured, you’ll know something when we know something because I have a big mouth and can’t keep too many secrets, especially the good ones. ‘Kay?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Remember when I mentioned that my mother got a phone call from a family friend who said she had a guy she wanted me to meet? Looking back at that post, I see it was from January 24. Wow, January.

Anyway, my mother gave our friend my blog address and she passed it on to him. He lurked for a bit (and somehow wasn’t scared away) and then emailed me and we’ve been corresponding ever since. Turns out he is not a pastor, but teaches college poli-sci. He is a devoted follower of Jesus and one of the sweetest men I’ve met in a long time.

I was very reluctant about the whole thing and I told him that in the beginning, pointing him to all of my posts about my singleness. He read them all and stuck with me, brave man. Time has passed, we’ve gotten to know each other - I kind of dig him and he kind of digs me and It’s A Good Thing.

We have been out a handful of times (he’s the friend with whom I’ve been playing tourist lately) to see if there was any potential in a relationship. We’ve had an ongoing discussion about courtship, which is more intentional than merely dating (and a-whole-nother possible post), from the start and after another discussion last week we agreed that we’re definitely going to continue with this fledgling and growing courtship/relationship.

He blurks around the place and I think he prefers to remain in the shadows, so for ya’ll he’ll be known as The Beau on the rare occasions that he will get mentioned. I only bring it up because I’ll be scarce at times, especially on the weekends, since we’re about 90 minutes away from each other. And I didn’t think I’d be able to be cryptic about my “friend” for very much longer.

Finally, I know that the family friend who initiated the set up reads here, too. Thanks, MB, for the introduction, from both of us. I look forward to seeing you the next time I venture down that way.

Friday, March 11, 2005

There’s no way I’ll be able to completely recreate my original post that was lost, but here’s a quicker attempt to at least get the nuts & bolts out there.

I need to correct some misinformation I put forth in my post from yesterday.

First, here’s the link to the audio of Dr. Mohler’s speech that started the debate. I have not listened to it, but I plan to this weekend. I should have done that and also read the other links in totality before I leaped to certain conclusions in my post.

Second, the Christianity Today article was a response to that speech.

Third, the links to Mohler, that I said were his speech, were actually his rebuttal to the CT article. They are here and here.

Where I went wrong was from reading the essay at The Internet Monk, where Michael Spencer used a quote from Part Two of Mohler’s response prior to his excerpts of the CT article. I had an incorrect impression of what Mohler and Courtney were saying in context. Having read Mohler’s complete response, I felt that I needed to clear this up.

That said, I still stand by my assertion that his idea of “deliberate” singleness is wrong and hurtful and shows a lack of true understanding of where singles really are coming from and dealing with in life. I can’t think of any single people I know that have ever said that they chose to remain single for one reason or another.

I was encouraged somewhat by his closing remarks…

Sensitivity demands that we understand the grief, frustration, and concern of Christian young adults struggling with this issue. They are the inheritors of a culture that has minimized marriage and has sent mixed messages concerning sex, gender, marriage, and all the rest. The full biblical vision of marriage was not, in the main, held before them from their earliest years at home, and was not encouraged and enriched as they grew through adolescence into adulthood. Many of them—especially many young women—feel victimized by this pattern, and they are frustrated by the reality.

Now is the time for the church to take this conversation to the next level. This generation of Christian young adults has the opportunity to seize the moment, reverse cultural trends, and show their elders the glory of marriage as God intended it from the beginning.

He lost me a bit this this last bit, though…

I stand by my argument—renewed in this conviction even by the controversy that has followed. At the same time, I’m going to be a good bit more careful to make clear that young men must accept most of the blame for this situation. I will also remind these young men that, armed with a biblical mandate and fueled by Christian passion, they can also be the vanguard for recovery. So, thanks to Camerin Courtney for her article, and to all those who have followed with responses. Let’s keep this conversation going, and encourage each other to pursue God’s glory in every dimension of our lives—and to settle for nothing less.

I’m not convinced that marriage is for everyone. Nor am I convinced that the church should be continuing to teach that marriage is the ideal for Christians. That just adds to the “less than” mentality that already exists in the minds of Christians regarding singleness. Rather, as has been said already, the church should be encouraging general growth in faith. If marriage happens, then great. If it doesn’t happen, then that’s fine, too. We, as individuals, should be primarily focused on growing in the grace and wisdom of God and in serving Him as He wills, not on finding a mate.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Realizing that I’m opening up myself to stuff from well-meaning family and friends, I’m opting to link to this great essay by Michael Spencer about the over-emphasis of marriage in Christendom. The entire essay is fantastic, but I plan to explore a little beyond just his essay. First, Spencer quotes Southern Seminary’s President Mohler, who spoke at a conference:

Singleness is not a sin, but deliberate singleness on the part of those who know they have not been given the gift of celibacy is, at best, a neglect of a Christian responsibility. The problem may be simple sloth, personal immaturity, a fear of commitment, or an unbalanced priority given to work and profession. On the part of men, it may also take the shape of a refusal to grow up and take the lead in courtship. There are countless Christian women who are prayerfully waiting for Christian men to grow up and take the lead. What are these guys waiting for?

I love how he starts that paragraph by saying that he doesn’t think that singleness is a sin and then contradicts himself pretty well by saying essentially that it is a sin. Nice.

Of course, being single myself, I take great issue with Mohler’s assertion. Deliberate singleness? I can’t think of many Christian singles that I know who are deliberately single, but rather are circumstancially single and living the life that God has put before them the best they know how. It is misguided for him to making a sweeping assertion, to a group of young Christian singles, that I don’t believe is Biblical or responsible or sensitive.

I can agree somewhat with his sentiment about Christian women waiting for Christian men to step up. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough Christian men to begin with - we single, Christian women far outnumber our male counterparts. Statistically, the sad fact is that there just aren’t enough men anyway. But I digress ...

Camerin Courtney at Christianity Today wonders Is Singleness a Sin?

Perhaps many of us are slower to marry not because we don’t take marriage seriously, but because we do take it seriously. Because we’ve seen and experienced the consequences of hasty unions, because we’ve seen the statistical evidence that older first-time marriages have a better chance for survival, because we take very seriously the words “till death do us part.” If anything, I think rushing to marry and preaching a gospel of marriage for marriage’s sake devalues it more than our generation’s hesitancy and seeming passivity.

When Mohler calls marriage the “ultimate priority God has called us to,” I cringe. Not because I’m anti-marriage, but because I don’t find backing for this in the Bible. I don’t see the place where marriage is called a requirement. It’s called a blessing many times, but then so is singleness. The only list of Christ-follower requirements I find in my Bible is in Micah 6:8—“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” These things, not marriage, should be our ultimate priorities.

Amen, sistah! Reading that entire article, I got to this tidbit that almost sent me through the roof:

Rainey added a personal anecdote about how excited he was when his sons popped the question to their respective wives, “because I knew life was about to begin in earnest.”

Emphasis mine. It is statements like that, from married people especially, that drive me insane. I grieve for the single people who heard Rainey say that, especially single women who still live under the Cinderella, fairytale fallacy that life doesn’t truly begin until Prince Charming comes sweeping in and marries his princess. If I had opted to live my adulthood with that attitude, then I would have missed some incredible ministry opportunities, fantastic travel opportunities, and some great friendships.

Courtney continues my own thoughts brilliantly:

I appreciate Dr. Mohler—as well as Rainey and Lepine—pointing out some current troubling trends affecting singles and the state of marriage in our culture. It’s good to have Christian leaders at their level addressing the sometimes-overlooked demographic of single people and the cultural and demographic forces affecting us. However, I take issue with the gross overgeneralizations they make about single people. Their comments make me wonder how many actual Christian singles they interact with on a regular basis, or whether they’re basing their understanding of singles from viewing a few episodes of Friends. Most of the singles I know and hear from aren’t delaying marriage due to selfish motives. Rather most of them earnestly desire to be married, are surprised and/or frustrated that they aren’t yet, and are prayerfully trying to figure out how to get from here to there.

Mohler seems to assume that all still-single women are such because we chose to climb the corporate ladder first, and that all still-single men are such because they first chose to sow their wild oats. But this simply isn’t the reality of singleness I’ve witnessed and experienced. Now, I know I haven’t met all the single Christian women out there, but I’ve certainly talked with quite a few at singles events and heard from literally thousands more through e-mails in response to this column. I’m sure there must be some Christian women somewhere who pursued a job/career to the exclusion of marriage, but I have yet to happen on even one. For the vast majority of us, a vocation is a way of finding an outlet for our God-given gifts, being a responsible member of society, and, most importantly, paying the rent.

Admittedly, I’ve interacted with less single Christian men than women over my 30-some-odd years, but I’ve yet to meet any who are choosing singleness in order to live a wild life while the getting’s good. No, most of the single Christian males I know are rarely dating, let alone sowing any oats, wild or otherwise.

Exactly! And then she gets to my last point:

And as for the assertion that getting married is synonymous with becoming an adult, I agree that making that caliber of life-long commitment grows you up in many ways. But, I would add, so does having to fend for yourself for decades of adult life. Does this marriage-as-adulthood argument imply that I and my 40something, 50something, and beyond unmarried counterparts are somehow still children? Wouldn’t character issues such as righteousness, goodness, faithfulness, and the other fruits of the Spirit be a better gauge of maturity?

Yes!

One last thing to remember ...

So singleness as sin? No way! If the reasons for delaying marriage truly are selfishness, childishness, and a purposeful denying of God’s will, as Mohler, Rainey, and Lepine assert, then those things are the sins—not the resulting singleness. And throwing around the s-word like that, especially toward a group of individuals who already sometimes feel devalued by the church, our families, and sometimes even ourselves, seems not only unscriptural but also irresponsible.

Courtesy: Such Small Hands, (who linked to the IM essay)

Monday, January 24, 2005

About 9 or 10 years ago, my mother informed me that a friend of ours wanted to try to set me up with this guy she knew. Trouble was the friend and the guy live in Texas and I lived in New Hampshire at the time. He sounded nice enough and we had a common interest and apparent talent in music, but the geography was prohibitive. Our friend asked if she could give him my email address, which I approved, but I never heard from him. I never really expected to, though.

Yesterday while was working with Mom, she got a call from another family friend. They talked for a bit then the call ended and we got back to work. A few minutes later she asked if I wanted to know what the call was about. I asked if one or both of their kids were expecting another baby or something and Mom said that it was to find out if I’d be interested in meeting our friend’s pastor, who happens to be around my age and never-been-married-single.

I think I sighed and rolled my eyes. Apparently, our friend and her daughter (who is my age) have thought for a long time that he and I should meet. And supposedly she approached him yesterday to ask him if he wanted to get married (I’m sure he loved that!) and that she had someone he could meet. Or something along those lines.

He’s in the Harrisonburg, VA, area. Also, he is a committed Christian since he’s a pastor and I trust our friends about that aspect. They say he’s attractive, which would be nice, of course. So I told Mom that it was fine for him to contact me if he wants and I’m giving my mother permission to give them the blog address so he can lurk and learn if he chooses. I’m not really expecting that he will contact me, but I guess we’ll see what happens.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

What Ith said goes double for me, too.